~*emotion sickness*~

Please help me out and click on the link even if you think you ABSOLUTLY don't want to.. Do it for me :) you might be very suprized. Help me out look around the site ect..ect.. and what would be the best thing ever if you helped me out by reposting this on your bulletin or wherever eles you can..get the word out... I totally apppriciate all the help i can get yes im a dork but i like it that way :)

XoXo
Nichole.

she doesnt love the songs you love , she doesnt love the things you love .She doesn't know what it is to love you.


I want to spend every moment here with you , you show me a place i've seen but never knew, so here i am here i am , here i am. just for you. In the dark moving hands to find my way reaching for a chance and the words to see and here i go letting go just to never let you go. i'm so scared to feel so safe i want to spend every moment here with you, you show me a place i've seen but never knew so here i am, just for you. I 've been so quiet for so long waiting for the chance to find me, now i'm finding out that things have never been so real they never felt the way they should be now they found me. I want to spend every moment here with you You show me a place i've seen but never knew. So here i am for you.

Better late than never but here are some of my pics from the pride parade in chicago :) yay. fun times.












and last but not least my favorite jelly bean :)

so i returned from my 6 day london trip and 4 day flordia trip. Both were fun and i saw many amazing things. Soon i'll get my pics posted up here i'm pretty fucking tired right now. And no i unfortunatly didnt hoe it up in london hah tiff was far too "scared" of everything to do anything like that i'm convinced i love the british far more when there hear and theres a less broad choice to choose from and yes they really do have horrible teeth. At disney i was like a lil kid again everything theres so amazingly done pictures or seeing it can only really show what its about at both places soo i'll post them soon perhaps.

Got to love gay bars. espeshially called Big chicks. even though i only saw predominatly men.

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

well today i started my IOP (intensive outpaitent program) for "substance abuse" its really odd .. it makes me really nervous i walk in and i guess every time everyone introduces themselves they state what their there for and there high and low points for the day.. so i hear everyone eles' and i'm already in shock a) becuase i'm the youngest person there and b) because these people truely are addicts and have had children taken away and all these other crazy senerios .. so my turn comes and im not even sure what to say. i state my name and that i'm court ordered to be there and then the instructor was like whats your addcition and i'm like addiction? i'm like alchol and marijuana and opiates hes like so yes your an alcoholic / addict i'm like what??!! so i say i'm an alcoholic and what not .. and by this time my face is so red and i'm so completly uncomfortable.. and thinking am i really? i suppose they think that i'm an alocholic / addict from my evaluation thats why i'm here but come on now realistically? it frightened me it really did. it doesnt help that i have a huge problem talking about my issues espeshially to a group of people i dont know. granted they all did a good job to make me feel like it was okay and that no body judges you and that everyone was supportive which i really think they are. i'm just nervous about this whole thing and to really thing there trying to make me stop drinking for the rest of my life seems liek a pointless task because i'm 20 years old i have a hell of alot more life (hopefull) then them there is no way in hell i'm never goign to drink again.. i dont know maybe i shouldnt be looking so deeply into this but i feel i have no choice i know i need to cut back i know that and i completly want to illiviate all other substances but permenanat things truely scare me. and this is going to be such a huge portion of my life for 8 wks.. this is getting long i need to stop while i'm ahead.

well this semester pretty much is done after tommorow which im excited for but just to be prepared for next semester to be so much more hectic. I just need to do well thats the bottom line. I need to get out of here. December 19th i'm done with work i'll just go in whenever i feel like it pretty much just to pay for car insurance and england so that should make things alot less stressful for me. I'm just so unmotivated to stay here and go to school and I need to get everything straightened out in my life or i wont be at columbia next year but ah goodness i just hope everything works out .. i'm so afraid of failure.

HANSON was last night it was soo fucking cold out there i could have died but as always they NEVER fail to amaze me.. so i met there lil sister finally and she was the sweetest thing i told her about my "lucky" hanson shirt and shes like oh why is it lucky? and he i excerted the fact about some things i get from it hah but she denied me a pic with her" cus she couldnt" .. wow shut down..haha but i understand that cus i remember other tours where theyd like cover them and stuff so people couldnt take pics who knows and makenzie there lil brother was there he's so f'in cute when hes like eh 18 yeah it could go down.. hah natalie and penelope as well .. but as far as the performance i love the way they redid the songs there so powerfull and wonderful.. making me all emotional and shit but they always do .. comeon they have only been my biggest inspiration since i was fucking 11.. enough said..

btw: happy birthday mr issac hanson

i love how completly aware of the things i do and why i say and do the things i do but yet i still allow myself to do it. wow that was alot. i swear that i start petty conflict for my own amuzment at the moment like i crave a reaction and then in the end screw myself over, but it felt good for a min? and the thing is i've always done this its rather annoying to myslef. it doesnt help the fact that i'm drinking typically when this occurs so i take it much further and make it much more dramatic and really in reality it means nothing to me. its not that dramatic and i'm not even that serious, but i do it anyways. i wish there was a person in my life or i was at a place in my life were things werent a game were things werent done simply for amuzment at the moment and everything was what it was and there wasnt any bullshit behind it. maybe if i wasnt so deathly afraid of failure i could have wonderful things in my life and accept them and not constantly test loyalty of people, maybe if i accepted failure i wouldnt be constantly thinking everyone was trying to waste my time and accept the time i do have with people. i'm not expecting anyone ot understand this its just one of those frusterating personality traits that i'm soo avid to change that i can change i'm just being difficult to myself.

so here i am back to my good ol' live journal.. so how have i been lately? a good questions cus i'm never sure. i'm like a bi-polar patient and not even the kind i'm suppost to be.. i'm just overly stressed and feel like i have so much pressure on me.. most of which i know i bring upon myself. i'm just not happy and there are some rare occasions i get a placebo of happiness and of course all that shimmers fades . a month and half till nyc which is a plus i am excited for that.. ah and my mom found out about my "lower" peircing. which was deffinatly the oddest thing to have to admite to my mother she's so conservative about stuff expeshially like that.. oh goodness now shes going to think i have sex or something hah i'm done.

i'm really loving this weather and why i choose to even bring this up is because it honestly makes my mood so much better. i abosloutly love it and its been storming like at the perfect time before i go to bed which i love. i thinking thinking about this keeps my mind off the fact that i hate my job and i hate coming home everynight. which i have to be fine with for the rest of this year. and that bothers me.

so this must be the month for babies.. michelle had her baby september 12th after what seemed like forever and a day at the hospital antonio andreas he was 5lbs 11oz freaking tiny. ha. and then on september 20 th my aunt janet had her baby jaden christine whom was the same weight.. i pretty excited about this even though i'm sure whoever reads this could really give a fuck less hehe. but heres some pictures
antonio





jaden

wow i havent writen in here in awhile.. which is fine i suppose .. i'm doing good though.. i hate my job and i really hate school this sememster. i'm waiting patientlly for next year to come. but none the less im' fine. my life still never fails to amaze me which to me means things are still normal and keeps me knowing i'm alright and still alive. i make money now which is great because i have a spending habit from hell but i'm still paying legal shit and saving for my trip to new york this winter. shit i think this is far as i'm going with this entry.. i need to go write a paper.

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so i hear this kind of pain of loss is normal but yet i cant even comprend it . physically, emotioally seems to much at times. the way your eyes are practically swollen shut because you couldnt stop crying the way your chest and heart feels like your going to have a heart attack at any minute.. its like a roller coaster from hell one minute you can remember the good times and the next you cant bear the thought of any of it. i belive there's three hardest parts and the inbetween isnt much easier either. finding out the news , seeing nancy (his mom) after the fact, and the wake/funeral, i've accomplished 2 and i'm scared for the third i really am quite possibally more scared than anything i've ever had to be scared about. i do now have some understanding of whats meant to happen will happen . i cant deny i was mad/hurt/angry/questioning at that girl for putting herself in a position that wasnt safe for her and ending up taking him. but now i'm not so mad after really accepting everything happens for a reason and you'll go no matter what the circumstances are. i really belive now she had no control no matter who would have been in that the spot the out come would have still be inevitable. i dont know why . understanding why will never be concrete in my head and will never justify anything and the reasoning and out come of it all will never seem important enough for the price paid. but no one ever leaves losses like this with answers there really satisfied with. i think about how i feel and cant imagine what nancy and mitch feel cant even imagine dont ever want to really imagine. never want to imagine it as a matter of fact, i keep faith for them because without it i really feel they'd be in a place they never want to be emotionally and physically. i cant ever really put into words all the great things to say about him and what not probobly because we had thee weirdest relationship . and the weirdest things happened . i mean he was my ex bf / my best guy friend/ my prom date/ my confidance in things /someone to argue with , someone to laugh with someone to council in it seemed like everything. someone to always tell me they loved me no matter what happened. someone to relate to, so many different things that you cant put into words i think to the extent in which they really are. i could go on writing in this forever and ever maybe i do feel a little better than i did a couple min ago. but one thing still remains the same life will go on for us here reguardless of anything we'll go when its our time regaurdless of circumstance regaurdless of situations its one thing were complelty powerless over . matthew will never come back to do all the things he did. but in the same respect all the things he did we still can remember and we still have we arent left with nothing. we have to take from it everything we can and look for everyway for it to make a positive inpact on us that are still here.

matthew scott neyhart

i will always love you and you'll always be my lil matthew

how could god be so cruel i'm starting to loose faith. this is one of thee hardest weeks i think..


matthew scott neyhart . i miss you like crazy i already did but now i know this summer you wont be there . we've been through so much but that never seemed to matter or really put a strain on things . you'll always be my lil matthew i'll always love you . and i dont know how long this stuff takes to move on from but i'll try my best to stay strong. i didnt know you could feel physical pain as much as emotional i thought it was a metaphorical for emotions.

your never to great of a person, never accomplished enough, never invinsible enough to have it all taken away from you ..




The Daviess County, Indiana Sheriff`s Department is not releasing much more information about a Memorial Day murder.
The shooting happened Monday afternoon in the small town of Elnora.
That`s about 20 miles north of Washington.
Deputies responded to a 911 call about a shooting.
They found 20 year old Timothy Pruett of Oden, Indiana seriously wounded.
He died on his way to the hospital.
Deputies arrested 20 year old Jake Carroll for the shooting.
He faces a preliminary charge of murder.

rest in peace.